Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
( Its a joke Matt, don't actually try it )
A old couple are having their 50th wedding anniversary dinner. The wife gazes into her husbands eyes and asks "When our eyes met across the room all those years ago, what did you think?"
Hubby thinks about it and says "I thought I would love to suck your tits off and fuck your brains out!"
"And after 50 years of marriage what do you think?" The old lady innocently asks.
"I think I have succeeded!"
how the fuck is the wife going to stuff those tits into my xmas stocking????
That is f#%kin funny
This is my mate,
Australian letter of the year
This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT
Minister, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then Immigration,
The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone.
The Government tried in desperation to censure the
author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read
it nearly wet themselves laughing!
Please excuse the language contained within, but I
suspect the author was somewhat upset? I'll let you
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and
still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone
number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf
Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information,
and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the
past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last
eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid
customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before
being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and
all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out
every 5 years since 1966.
Also..would somebody please take note, once and for
all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's
name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f**king astounded if
that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...
I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really
pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've
had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to
my house, then you ask me for my f**king address!! What the
hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of
mindless Neanderthal a**eholes workin' there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I
look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for
God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see
my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi
girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give
a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15
days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not
want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to
the other end of the city, and get another f**king copy of
my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the
privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services
in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new
passport on the same day?? Nooooo... that'd be too
f**king easy and makes far too much sense. You would much
prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens
with our f**king heads cut off, and then having to find some
high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in
the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where
we're not allowed to smile?! ...you f**king morons
Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.
P.S Remember what I said above about the picture,
and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's
me? Well, my family has been in this country since before
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with
Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have
also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over
30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high
I'm also a personal friend of the president of
the RSL..... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a
Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get
someone 'important' to verify who I am; You know..
someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F**KING
PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or
hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the
Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of
You are all F**king idiots!!
An oldi but a goodie
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack
and dies and He immediately goes to hell, where
the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you and You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you and I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the
door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed, Over and over and over he dived in
and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge- hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied
over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent
over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."