Hope you all, looking at the rides...hmmmmmm!!!
The officer says, 'I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.'
The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's pissed.'
That's bloody funny
Cops pull over a obviously drunk senior citizen,,"And where are you going at 1am in the morning sir" the cop asks,,"I am on my way to a lecture of the evils of drinking alcohol,playing poker and acting in a debaucherous manner when doing so"the old man explains slurring,,,,"Really sir"says the copper raising an eyebrow"and just who would be holding a lecture like that at this time of the morning?" he asks,to which the old gent replies,,,"My wife".
A Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large -
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
"Looks like he's still fuckin celebrating!!!
<wiping coffee of my monitor>
..... thanks for that LOL
My wife, being the romantic sort, sent me a txt while I was away north..............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. love you XOX."
So I replied......”In the toilet having a shit, please advise.”
An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
Man: Would you sleep with me for a million dollars ?
Woman: Ummm... I guess so, yeah.
Man: Would you sleep with me for a dollar ?
Woman: What !? What kind of a girl do you think I am !?
Man: We've established what kind of girl you are, we are now merely haggling over the price
I was having a really good wank the other day. I had Bare Ass monthly opened at the centrefold, a particularly salacious babe with an ass you could worship. Anyway, I was pounding away, the veins were raised on my forehead and beads of sweat were starting to form. I was just about on the gravy run when the owner of the newsagent came up to me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “excuse me Mike, are you going to buy that or what?”
U just have to check this out.